She repeated "I gave you the key for a reason"... After hearing that a few times, including from her friends, this phrase stuck in my head as if it was some kind of magic spell that I just needed to figure out how to invoke to end our separation.
Somehow though, if the reason for the key was that I would still be a part of her life and show up at her apartment unannounced, this reason never materialized in my reality. The more I tried to remain close to her, the further away she became. I tried everything I could, including avoiding her for some time, hoping the absence would make her heart grow fonder - and other things that I'm too embarrassed to write about. She never once gave me a glimmer of hope and more often than not was insulting/hurtful in her responses (totally out of character of the first 3.5 years of our relationship).
Unable to unlock it's secret, I placed the key on a Fleur-de-lis belt buckle I had purchased before she moved out, and put it into the glovebox of my car. As I worked through my emotions of being rejected/abandoned; I realized that I couldn't be depressed or thinking of her every single moment of my day-to-day life, and I redirected all thoughts of getting back together into the key.
As I slowly moved on, and perhaps understood some of the reasons why we couldn't be together, the key became a physical block against actually letting her go. No matter how much I told myself that I didn't need her, the key was the proof that I was still holding onto the hope of a return to dating. The key came up one time while talking to her. It was when she gave me back my key and she asked me for her key back. I didn't say too much, and she said something along the lines of, "I figured you would lose it".
(back to present time)
I've known for some time that I've needed to return the key in order to recover fully, but only today felt that I was up to doing it.
I wrote a short note to attach (thought of writing on a napkin like her Christmas note to me, but instead hand wrote neatly on a white piece of paper):
Endearest Fleur-de-lis,
I wish you luck with your new life. I'm sure that everything will work out perfectly fine for you, but even so nothing will ever convince me that you are better off without me.
Of course that is not my problem. But I do need to convince myself that I am better off without you. One step along that path is to return your key.
-sek
I wish you luck with your new life. I'm sure that everything will work out perfectly fine for you, but even so nothing will ever convince me that you are better off without me.
Of course that is not my problem. But I do need to convince myself that I am better off without you. One step along that path is to return your key.
-sek
I tried to keep it as short and to the point as possible (and hopefully not overly desperate). Although I considered leaving the key without a note, I think the note was required in order to get "the last attempt" out of my system. Certainly, I would like for her to experience some emotion and maybe remember our relationship fondly when she sees the key, but really, I just needed to close the door on the past and truly let go.
Approaching her apartment with the key in my hand, feeling the cold, smooth metal of the belt buckle, it began to feel heavy and difficult to carry. The Lord of the Rings came to mind, along with the thought that this was probably the silliest thing I've ever done. Excuses started floating through my mind...
- What if she was thinking about contacting me and this changes her mind? - nah, that's a stupid thought - you are just trying to wimp out
- How can I get through the gated entrance? - just wait for a car to go in front
- What if she's there? - unlikely, it's 2:30pm, she'll be at work, and if not, you'll see her car and can turn around
Now there is no longer any physical thing in this world that is preventing me from moving on... it's definitely over... a lot less likely I'd take her back even if she did want to get back together.
As I walked back to my car, I felt a sense of relief & a release from the unrealistic expectation that I was holding onto. I think the worst part of letting go is the acknowledgment of failure at something that I put my full 100% effort into. But people who eventually achieve great success fail many times along the way. This was definitely a learning experience for me. And so, in the book of my life, this was the last page of the chapter where she was the #1 guest star.
I am content that I gave it my all, and I'm not listening to any critics, friend, foe, or other, who may say that I could have done anything differently. I've made my peace with it and am moving on with my life.
