Juno

Saw Juno with MoM, bros and two of my MoM's coworkers today. It was pretty good... Had a fresh, but not quite edgy, brand of humor. I liked the portrayal of intense emotion probably better than most movies I've seen. It didn't totally deny the emotions, like a couple of movies, and it didn't blow them way out of proportion, as almost all hollywood movies do.
I can see a pro-life interpretation of the movie, but if that was the intention, I think it was totally appropriate. I don't classify myself as pro-life (I actually have a 3rd viewpoint), but if I was, this movie is exactly how I'd promote the position.

We went to a diner/cafe afterwards to chat and I realized that I miss home. Strange that I didn't really anticipate that feeling. Over the past few months, my condo really hasn't felt like home, but there is definitely something there that I miss now. Is it an affinity for the community of my coworkers and friends? Or perhaps just a sense of independence I might not have here? Do I miss San Diego itself?
And is that feeling a weakness?
Why is it so important to me right now to evaluate each feeling I have from a position of weakness or strength?
Perhaps I'm putting some kind of pressure on myself that I need to let go of...

I don't know why whenever I spend more than a day or two with my brothers that tension seems to build between us. That doesn't make any sense to me. They seem to have some kind of anger or perhaps jealousy towards me that doesn't have much to do with my actions.

...thoughts for another day - just relaxing for now - will sleep soon and dream of new beginnings.

addiction

How much of love is an addiction? Is addiction inherently unhealthy?

In college I had a philosophy professor who said that love is when you've been with someone for a while and realize that you love them, not in spite of their faults, but even because of their faults - because of their whole essence. At the time I thought that was a good way to think of it. If you love someone for all their characteristics, even ones that initially bothered you and bother you in other people, isn't that a good definition of love?

Is it also a definition of addiction?

no one to answer to

After work, rode my bike to UCSD and played bball till about 9:30... about 2 hours of playing time - won about 4 games in a row and then lost the final game - exact opposite of the last time playing. Wasn't at all sure that we were going to win any, cause the rest of my team was pretty short, but we had a sweet little AI type guard named Santana who was the best guy on the court for the games we won. Saw my neighbor Alan there too - but didn't play with him, cause he was playing on the other court.

After leaving the courts, I got a weird feeling. The feeling that no one would notice a difference if I had stayed at home and vegetated on the couch or had played ball and didn't go home till almost 10:30 (or had done any other random thing tonight). I suppose it's not necessarily a bad thing, but it does feel really weird. These past two months are the first time in my life I've ever lived alone. I never have had a desire to live alone... don't think I like it much - although I know I might be in the minority on that. Guess I am a social person - who would have thunk it after living in the middle of nowhere as a kid and then being pretty restricted on friends up through high school graduation. Or maybe that is the reason... I'm still catching up from being lonely long ago.

Burr, was turning into an icicle riding home - just had a vest and warmup pants on top of my shorts and tshirt. I don't think it was cold enough to really complain compared to ice storms in Tulsa, snow in Denver, and other truly cold weather in the midwest; However, I could see my breath! To avoid the cold and go with the feeling of doing whatever I felt like, I stopped by round table on the way home for a slice of pizza and a Guinness. It was nice - there was still a lot of activity on campus at 10pm. That's cool - I like to hang out on campus and it's really close to the condo (like 1/2 mile to the shuttle or 3 miles all the way to the other side of campus) - will have to do that more often.
While eating, overheard a chica talking about a leaving her boyfriend cause meeting all kinds of new people was "very appealing". My ex is probably feeling exactly the same... wtf - I like meeting new people too. Now is my opportunity to live it up, meet new people, travel, start businesses, etc. I've gotta see her leaving as doing me a favor. It wasn't how I wanted things to happen, but it's probably MUCH better than if we would have stayed together without resolving the volcano discussion pattern where she always got the last word. If I didn't give up long before she would literally hold her ground to the point of breaking up over every tiny difference - like even a disagreement over a scene in a movie or a passage in some book. I always thought she calmed down later and returned to reality, but apparently that's not really true. I can only imagine how she'd be pregnant - I think jumping over the rim of the volcano 2x / month might be a conservative estimate. Strange how she has that dual personality where she's super nice, but also super stubborn. She has to be the singly most stubborn person I've ever met. I think she actually increases her stubbornness on the topics she latches onto because she's nice the rest of the time. In my experience, If someone is mean or stubborn all the time, it's easier to find a weak point and get them to give in... They don't mind breaking their natural tendencies every once in a while. But my ex saw the stubbornness as breaking her natural tendency and there was no more changing after that. I'm surprised that didn't cause more serious issues far earlier in the relationship... Apparently it's a testament to my abilities of getting along with people and avoiding conflict... Although, I no longer think that avoiding conflict is always the best strategy... live and learn!
Speaking of learning, I really have to stop thinking about her like this. I highly doubt that she's thinking about me, and even if she was, I still have to stop thinking about her. My 98-02 ex told me to "be a man"... And she's right, but damn, why is it so much easier said than done? What's the solution? I just need to shut off my weak emotions or something? I'm sure they serve some kind of purpose, but right now they seem totally useless to me.

Hmm... I'll have to consider creating a more public blog or remove the too private sections of this one - so that I can tell some people about it.

Ruth's Cris

Grand-boss and director took myself and 2 coworkers to Ruth's Cris steakhouse tonight - as a reward for solving a big production issue. It was a very nice dinner, steak was great, wine was good, but the highlight was the Sweet Potato Casserole w/Pecan Crust - that was absolutely amazing. I may have to try cooking it (found a promising recipe) just so I could be a hit at holiday events ;-)

Afterwards drove by the ex's apartment - just to drive by - not sure exactly why... Was just thinking about her. Since I do believe everything happens for a reason, does it make sense that I'm not supposed to get married anytime soon? I thought I had the perfect girl - she was super nice and loving for 3.5 years, but it's crazy now - talked to her on IM today, and it's hard to understand what she's saying except that she's deliberately trying to hurt me. Perhaps it's some kind of test? How could someone switch from being so nice to being so cruel? Perhaps she doesn't even realize it.
I suppose it's not possible to read into fate more than knowing that I wasn't meant to get married to her... right now... oh well. Maybe in life there just isn't much direction on such important questions - it's up to however each individual wants to play it.
Logically, I have swung so far away from thinking that marriage is even a good idea, but whenever I see a cute little kid running around, it reminds me why the idea could be attractive. Damn genetic programming! LOL

Alicia Keys No One

I love this song =)

I Just Want you Close
Where You Can Stay Forever
You Can Be Sure
That It Will Only Get Better

[Hook:]
You And Me Together Through The Days And Nights
I Dont Worry Cause
Everything's Gonna Be Alright
People Keep Talking
They Can Say What They Like
But All I Know Is That Everything's Gonna Be Alright

[Chorus:]
No One No One No One
Can Get In The Way Of What I'm Feelin'
No One No One No One
Can Get In The Way Of What I Feel For You
You You
Get In The Way Of What I Feel For You

When The Rain Is Pourin Down
And My Heart Is Hurting
You Will Always Be Around
This I Know For Certain

[Hook:]
You And Me Together Through The Days And Nights
I Don't Worry Cause
Everything's Gonna Be Alright
People Keep Talking
They Can Say What They Like
But All I Know Is Everything Is Gonna Be Alright

[Chorus:]
No One No One No One
Can Get In The Way Of What I'm Feelin'
No One No One No One
Can Get In The Way Of What I Feel For You
You You
Can Get In The Way Of What I Feel

I Know
Some People Search The World
To Find
Something Like What We Have
I Know
People Will Try, Try To Divide Something So Real
So Till The End Of Time
I'm Telling You There Ain't No One

No One No One
Can Get In The Way Of What I'm Feelin'
No One No One
No One
Can Get In The Way Of What I Feel For You

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh

Jordan Huang

Check out JordanHuang.com. Website of my friend Henry's kid.
So cute! Making me jealous - LOL

artistic types vs. intellectual types

It's interesting when different types of people mingle... went to a happy hour event in downtown San Diego with a bunch of artistic type people. Didn't realize that it would be Actors, Models, Dancers, etc at the event, I actually went cause I was invited by a girl I had some interest in a few years ago (before dating my ex). Turns out that now she's living with a boyfriend, and I'm not the type to interfere with something like that. I like to see people happy together - figure if it's meant to be disrupted someone else can do that. However, the waitress was digging me (according to some of the fellow bar goers), so I did get her contact info 0=)

I like artistic people, and even though I value my own creativity, I think I'm more of an intellectual. There's definitely something to be said for opposites attracting... For instance, when assembling a team to accomplish some task, you are likely to have a much more effective team if you pick a diverse group. Some creative, some disciplined, some risk takers, some strong, some quick acting, some planners, etc.
At this event, they were raising money for foster kids xmas presents and at the end of the night, were happy to have raised $67. Surely they spent more on the event than $67, but they were still happy. Artistic types have that energy and enthusiasm, but if paired with someone who was more numbers driving, they could have raised at least 5x that - maybe 10x.

I did have a blast at the event, despite the unavailability of the chica who invited me... Chatted with some interesting people that I just don't run into in day to day life. Like a male model/actor, an openly gay tech consultant, and a female Caucasian break dancer.
Plus, potato and bacon pizza is awesome! Gonna have to add some more artistic people to the circle of friends I talk to frequently.

rainy day

Today started off with the plip-plip-plip of raindrops on the window. It woke me from a restful sleep to the pleasant vanilla-y feeling of Friday. Cleaned for about an hour, worked out for half... felt the flow of endorphins, took a shower... Drove through the rain (nice, don't have to wash the car now!) and headed into the office.
Arrived and plugged in the xmas lights and snowman - yep I decorated the cube =) The rain made me think of Mammoth, hope they are getting some powdery snow...
Then had a nice live meeting teleconference with my project team (they are spread across 3 states: cali, texas, and new jersey)... The project is on track, not only with the business requirements, but with some of the process improvements I'm keen on implementing to increase quality.

I do like telling people what to do =) not in a domineering way, but more in an instructional way... (perhaps that is more annoying? ... nah =)

After lunch (not going to pizza hut's pizza buffet again soon), the day wrapped up pretty quickly... got some new requirements spec'd out and had another productive meeting with the front end team (our customers)... stayed a bit later at the office than I should have, but had a nice conversation with another overly dedicated coworker (who happens to be cute) about corporate jargon.

On the way home, the plesantness of the day started to fade. Driving home in the dark is a bit of a bummer - I'd rather see a sunset, or at least the fading light of day. The roads were flooded, which means they are not well built for rain, and end up with pools of water all over. Luckily there weren't many others on the road, since I don't have much trust in my fellow San Diegans wet driving skillz.

I got out of the car, and the rain, as strong rain typically does, especially this time of year, made me think of cuddling up with a cup of hot chocolate... and a certain special someone. A certain someone who no longer wishes to cuddle with me. Maybe some similar thoughts did cross her mind today though? She's so close (less than 2 miles) and yet so far (she hasn't called and only IM'd once all week). I'm giving her space, just cause it seems to be the right thing to do... the opposite tactic, at any level all the way up to suggesting we elope in vegas, didn't have the intended effect, so I really have no choice. Well, if I can't be with her, I'm going to have to start imagining that another can take her place. Plenty of girls out there would be happy to cuddle with me!

Thanksgiving

Is life supposed to be difficult?
One view of my life would be that whenever things get too easy, I've either created problems myself, or had external problems imposed on me that bring me back to the struggle.
This relationship hiccup / breakup is definitely one of those incidents. Perhaps the reason is because I was becoming too complacent... life was too easy, and maybe that's just not how things are supposed to be.

Watched American Gangster over the weekend. There was a very interesting compare/contrast between the two main characters. Frank Lucas (Denzel) is a mob boss who would steal and kill to attain success. He has respect both in public as well as with his family. He takes care of his family (and the implication is that he's good to his organization as well). So, he's basically well-loved by all, except for a small number of enemies. Richie Roberts is a detective and saying he's a stickler for the rules would be an understatement. He is disliked by other cops, his partner, and even his family. Much of his initial notoriety is due to finding one million dollars in unmarked bills and actually turning the money in. As the movie presents the situation, it seems as if that is a more unbelievable event than Frank casually murdering a rival in cold blood in the middle of a crowded street. Richie's wife leaves him and takes his son out of state, apparently due to his strict scruples even more than his workaholic tendencies.

Which one of these men is a model for how to live be respected and successful? Obviously not Richie. I'm not buying the epilogue summary at the end of the movie which tries to give him a happy ending. The manner in which he took down Frank Lucas would be even more offensive to his law enforcement colleagues than turning in the million dollars, because he used Frank to prosecute a large percentage of the narcotic cops for taking payoffs. That would only continue the path he was on in the movie. Sure, it takes all kinds, and Richie fulfills a valuable role, but there's only a small number of his type required to keep society running smoothly. He's not the role model of how to be - or an example of what values are important.

Another interesting question is that Frank apparently achieves redemption by turning in those cops. So, does that make him "a good guy"? Does that somehow make up for his past?

What's really important in this life? Frank seems to be the better model... Throw out the murder and selling illegal substances and you have a successful business manager or CEO. And CEO ethics are definitely closer to gangster than Richie's. All successful medium to large business is based on a pyramid, where the customers far out number the employees, and employees out number executives. The first grade level idea of somehow convincing everyone in the country to give them a dollar, to create wealth, isn't so different from any other business on the planet. Frank efficiently convinced a large number of customers to give him more than his product cost him. That's exactly what running a business is.

I also want to be a successful businessman, but definitely not at any cost. So now that I'm evaluating my life, I'm torn between whether that's a noble goal and some self doubt as to whether I can achieve the goal. Perhaps I am missing something important that would clear it up a bit?

On the ex-relationship front, I've been working hard to stop thinking about her constantly in a needy way and to get over the loss of the relationship. Been thinking that even when we were together and everything seemed perfect, maybe it wasn't healthy to do things like watch her sleeping and find peace in her breathing. That always gave me the feeling of warmth that everything was right in the world... Maybe it's important not to let those core feelings depend on another person - even if their involvement is totally passive. It would be better if I had control of that feeling inside myself and could call on it at any time without requiring some external situation to be met.
Life is Beautiful is one of my all-time favorite movies because of that exact reason, Roberto Benigni's character never gave anyone the power to take away his happiness. Even in a Nazi concentration camp he was able to be exuberant about life. If there is any trait I admire most, it would be that. In high school, during the time when I formed my initial philosophy of life (b4 seeing the movie), I fixated on the idea that "Happiness is a choice". The meaning being that happiness is internal and not external. Until that point, I often let external influences get me down and felt that certain external things would need to happen before I could be happy with life. However, the realization that all I had to do to be happy was to choose it was a major shift in my life. Since then, I've been a much happier person, and I believe connected much more with the world and people around me.

Sometime earlier this year, I decided that I trusted my ex completely and loved her absolutely. That was probably fine, but I now realize that along with this realization I made a terrible mistake and also gave her the key to my happiness. If she wasn't happy, neither was I, and if she was, then I was too. I don't know for sure, but I wouldn't be surprised at all if that was the exact moment that she started to feel differently about our relationship. That does seem like too much pressure. I don't think I was too ridiculous about it, but I definitely have learned an important lesson here. I need a corollary to "Happiness is a choice" which adds that one should never give that choice away under any circumstances. Of course, it makes sense not to be affected when you are caught in the rain, or someone steals your pen, etc... But I had never considered that giving up this choice to the person you love could be just as bad if not a worse idea.

I really like this lesson because I think it is more core than some others floating through my head, such as "you can never trust anyone" or "women are cruel", etc. It's really the first positive spin I've been able to come up with for this whole painful situation. I think that by embracing this lesson and living it from now on, I can avoid things like trying to hurt other girls to make myself feel better. And hopefully I can avoid desperately clinging to my ex. Unfortunately, I think that once given in the way I did, it may take more than an instantaneous decision to regain full control over my right to choose happiness. And I'm sure that I'll long feel that perhaps she will love me again. Perhaps now that I've realized the lesson, that's the first step towards reestablishing the relationship. Can't rush anything though - she definitely has things she wants to learn and/or experience before she'd be ready to return to our relationship.


It's quite appropriate that this is Thanksgiving weekend, because it's so easy right now to focus on how bad things are; but in reality there is so much I'm thankful for.
I live in paradise, and have all my basic needs covered - food, shelter, etc. I'm thankful for my family, friends, acquaintances, etc. I'm thankful for the people in this world who have done so much for me - even if I don't have any direct contact with them - the soldiers, ancestors, etc. I'm thankful for all the opportunities I have had and continue to have. I'm thankful for everything that has made me what I am.

Back to the relationship, I'm thankful for having had an amazingly good relationship for three and a half years. The relationship really did give me hope that two people can be truly happy together, which before then, I'd really only imagined and never experienced. The fact that it's not good now doesn't diminish how awesome it was for that time.

I'm thankful for my job, car, coworkers, neighbors, cat, condo, health, basketball, myspace, computers, and everything else as well.

I really do love this life - it truly is beautiful
even if it has do be difficult, I'm sure there's a good reason for that =)

on that note - if you have an extra 3 minutes and 40 seconds, take a look at this vid =) It starts off slow, but then gets more interesting... I like it WAY better than the plastic bag video in American Beauty =)
Daft Bodies - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

hummingbirds

I'm sitting here this nice temperate morning on the patio. Refilled the hummingbird feeder and a few hummingbirds have stopped by for some drinks. Larger and louder than most of the hummingbirds I've seen around, three of them begin to play out an interesting scene. I can't tell for sure, but it appears that two are male and one is female. The males have more flamboyant colors and attitudes to match. One male scouts the area, then lands and takes a few nourishing drinks of the sugary solution. He then lands on a nearby branch and acts like he's guarding the food. The other male flies up and they have a high speed encounter - tough to tell what's going on - who wins, etc... From the human perspective it's hard not to marvel at the speed and power of these little creatures, compared to whom even gravity seems to move slow. The males seem to be trying to impress the female, who comes by to drink a couple times as well.

Birds seem to do well with the plain looking females and colorful, attractive males. What would it be like if humans were the same way? Seems like human females are attractive as well as picky and increasingly self-sufficient. I used to be in sync with the feminist ideas of maintaining independence from men. However, what if girls, given a choice, aren't interested in keeping the same guy around? That doesn't seem like the best option for raising a family either...

Maybe monogamy isn't built into our DNA. Seems chimpanzees and bonobos (our closest primate relatives) have significantly more sex than modern day humans, and neither of them practice monogamy.

Thinking of life goals lately... seems that lately I have the opportunity or the mandate to re-evaluate what I want out of life. I know I'd like to be free of the 40 hour work week. I know I love to develop software. I was thinking that I wanted to start a family. Perhaps the last is in contradiction with the first two, and that's why it's not happening, because I need more progress on the first two before embarking on that adventure.

cooincidence?

Crazy, just read Gilbert Arenas' blog entry he posted after being told that he can't play for 3 months. Seems I'm not the only one that has these challenging events happen together. Arenas just broke up with his girlfriend, and now he's injured so he can't play with the Wizards for 3 months. Terrible timing... or is it?
The first time I broke with a live in GF, she moved out (across the country), I lost my job, and my roommate moved out (forcing me to find a cheaper residence) all right around the same time. Quite literally, my life was turned upside down, and I had a sink or swim reaction. It took a while, but after about a year, I was not only back on my feet, but happier than ever.
This time, my GF and Dad moved out during the same week - and work is abnormally stressful (but my position isn't currently threatened, so that isn't the same).

I know I can bounce back from this situation also. It's possible that it could be more difficult than last time, but perhaps that means the rewards can be greater as well? Maybe life throws these curve balls at ya from time to time in order to shake things up and get ya to the next level.
Sounds good - I hope everything works out well for Arenas as well =)

why is this happening? (revisted)

A month and a half after my previous post, I'm forced to revist the question of why my relationship is rocky at the moment.

I think I've finally ruled out the idea that she wants a ring. Spent last weekend trying to convince her to elope in Vegas. I know it's crazy, but I was actually thinking that eloping could be a positive thing to get us back on the right path. It might convince her to "let me back in" - so that we are experiencing this together as opposed to her having one set of experiences and me having another...
We didn't go to Vegas, but she says it was touching, and she said a couple of things that indicated she might consider a reaffirmation of our relationship - such as a plan to move back in the condo at some point. But somehow, I can tell it still doesn't feel right to her. She thinks I'm saying these things only because I was depressed. Seeing as I have been depressed, and she doesn't believe me that I was already planning to propose before she expressed any doubts, I suppose I can appreciate her position.

Where I stand now is that the strategy of going through the Getting the Love You Want exercises and trying to break down the walls that she has maintained since the beginning of the relationship is a failure. I had a lot of hope for the Getting the Love You Want exercises, but I am now thinking that they are probably much more effective in the situation where the woman wants to continue the relationship and the guy is pulling away. The logical / analytical nature of the book could be effective on guys; but apparently it's not that effective on women. Must seem forced to them... In fact, in general, I think the book would be more effective in the context of a marriage or relationship where both parties assume the relationship will continue. Then the book could help them work through issues and conflicts, so that it goes from being a painful relationship to being a good relationship. However, it seems quite ineffective when the choices are breaking up or staying together.

I've thought a lot about why she would consider ending what appeared to be such a great relationship. Here are the three reasons I came up with from a month and a half ago:

• stress and externally imposed change
  
• walls and defenses maintained over the course of the relationship
  
• loss of challenge of winning me over

They helped me understand a little bit, but they didn't help me to bring us any closer together. And today they seem inadequate. Perhaps it's more simple than this. The truth is that couples who have strong attraction to each other shrug off the above reasons like nothing and are able to survive much worse: long distance relationships, infidelity, new jobs, kids that seem to be impossible to handle, tragedy in family or community, etc. So, maybe it makes more sense to think of a single reason: a loss of attraction.

The only way we could regain a solid relationship again is if we regain a strong attraction for each other. In order for me to be attracted to her in the same way (and not in a deperate/pathetic way) - I need to let go of the hurt, pain, and sense of betrayal.
I don't know what she needs exactly... She has said she needs time to figure herself out. That makes some sense. I need to allow her this time.

In the meantime, I can focus on myself. I need to eliminate my depression and get optimistic about life again. Much easier said than done, but I also know that it is possible!

Some of the things I can focus on:

• work (but not too much - 45 hrs/week is plenty)
• update my resume
  
• side internet businesses
• tough to focus on, but should devote at least a little bit of time to this
  
• hobbies
• surfing (new)
• snowboarding (soon there will be snow in the mountains)
• basketball
• teaching programming to kids at Wintriss Technical School
• personal trainer at 24 hour fitness?
• yoga classes at UCSD?
  
• Clean / fix up condo
• New windows
• clean / decorate bedroom
• get a new renter (don't want to get screwed up financially!)
  
• meet new people
• geeks from sdjug, xpsd, and sdruby
  

emptiness

Feeling empty...

I miss coming home to a loving household. I miss waking up next to a beautiful girl and staring at her while she sleeps. I miss seeing her on my desktop and phone wallpapers. I miss watching TV next to her, while she types on the computer. I miss laying my head on her lap, or have her lay her head on my shoulder. I miss having her voice wake me from accidental slumber downstairs, reminding me to head upstairs for the night. I miss walking hand in hand and feeling like we are partners, closer to each other than anyone else on the planet. I miss running my hands over her body, feeling the smooth silkiness and massaging her aggravations away. I even miss her stubbornness and the challenge of winning and keeping her heart focused on me. I'm missing these and a thousand other things... Feels like there's a giant hole inside me where she used to be. My whole life feels wrong without her in it.

All I can think of right now is having her back, and yet I know that sniveling, crying, begging has approximately a 0% chance of working. It's so hard to comprehend/accept the idea that it's truly over - or even that it's "over for now"... whatever that means =(

On a lighter note, I never understood why the women (or men) that great poets obsess over wouldn't read one poem and come back to them immediately & forever. Now I can see that making sense... people don't want to be pleaded with as a way to pick their lovers - they want a match of an equal. Of course the idea that I'm not her equal isn't a pleasant one either! I suppose my behavior isn't at the moment though.

If the poets didn't have their pain, they wouldn't have funneled it into their art. So, above all else, I'm clinging to the idea that everything happens for a reason.
I've often thought that I would have an easy life; but perhaps that's not the real plan...
Maybe this sums it up: God gives the biggest challenges to those who can best handle them.
I've come through many other challenges before - stronger than ever; surely I can do the same here.

Day by Day

If any experts out there are still claiming that emotions/mental state are not tied to physical health and general success in life; I beg to dispute them.

Since my emotions have been juggled the last couple months; my back, which had been doing really well for at least 8 months, is giving me tons of trouble again... Sunday was quite painful - to the point of not being able to walk comfortably!
Seems there are a couple things going on.
1. Pressure on a nerve that passes out of my spine somewhere nearby the lowest vertebra causes pain wrapping around my hip and towards the crotch.
2. Either independently, or perhaps because of trying to compensate for this pain, my hips are counter rotating, so that my right leg is getting shorter and the left is getting longer. 2 weeks back, they were in the neighborhood of 1 inch or more difference in length. Besides being extremely disconcerting, I'm sure this only exacerbates the other problems with my back.

In general when any one part of my back is hurting, soon enough, the rest of it starts hurting as well... everything is connected and requires proper balance or the whole thing falls apart... just wish I knew better how to deal with specific areas before the problem spread...

What's the saying? "only as strong as my weakest link" hmm... I'm not sure I'd go quite that far, cause weaknesses often can be turned into strengths. Maybe that's the point. A weakness is an opportunity for learning...


I'm definitely looking for some balance in life (not just in my back)... I don't think quiting my job, moving to some seedy location a hemisphere or so away and spending every night with a different girl until my money runs dry is an appropriate reaction... neither is crying each night at home alone... or working 60-80 hours a week in an attempt to get validation there...


can't believe I accidentally bought a core exercise book aimed specifically at women... I noticed the "15 mins per day" part and the near 5 reviews, but not the small print "for women"... I wonder if there really is anything different in how women and men should be strengthing their cores? and why shouldn't I post to amazon saying that they shouldn't make it gender specific. Similar to the #1 critical/helpful review for another exercise book I purchased who is unhappy cause the author uses the "guys" pronoun in the book?


If anyone reads this - I apologize for the whining. It somehow makes me feel better to get it out :-/

I'm considering a return to physical therapy. Hopefully they will be able to attack a problem like "counter rotating hips" better than "my back hurts, but not right now, 'cause you made me schedule this appointment over 2 weeks ahead of time and the pain went away"
So if anyone (from the hypothetical audience of readers) knows of a good physical therapist near the San Diego golden triangle area; let me know.

funny how I'm able to maintain relatively positive thoughts about relationships during the day, and then get depressed about that at night; and at night I get relatively happy about work even if I'm depressed about that during the day...

suppose it's easy to caught caught in feedback loops of negativity - gotta focus on creating more positive thoughts and generate some positive feedback loops - happy coincidences etc.

this entry is way too stream of consciousness... oh well - maybe I'll re-read and re-write it some other time

Break up =(

So, this doesn't help my abandonment issues at all, but the GF decided to cut out of her 3 month commitment to working through our issues. It's a shock, and I really thought we had more together than that - I would have done anything for her - to make her happy, to protect her, love and cherish, etc. I don't think love like that comes along every day; but maybe it really was nothing special - if so, I suppose there's no loss for her in throwing the dice again. I suppose I'm not able to be unbiased at the moment.

It was starting to seem inevitable over the past few weeks. She went a little back and forth, so I had some hope, but I just have to accept that it's just meant to be like this. It hurts a lot, but I'm glad she gave me a little bit of time to process the idea and now I feel like I can handle it better. That 180 degree switch in under a week (while I was out of town) didn't give me enough time to understand what the hell was going on.

In the short term, I know I'm still a catch. I'm fun to be with, supportive, open with affection, know how to make girls feel good, etc. I don't need to worry about dealing with those deeper commitment/abandonment issues unless I meet a very special girl someday. And the one departing was pretty amazing (until she switched it off), so it would be pretty tough to one up her.

On a more positive note, I tried surfing for the first time today, and it was awesome. I stood up on my first wave; and then rode like 10 more. The waves were small, so no pummeling, but my arms got tired pretty quickly - it didn't feel like I was working too hard most of the time, but I think it's a good workout. I'll probably be sore in the morning =)

JR Robison show at Cosmos Coffee

JR Robison (who I knew in High School) had a show at Cosmos Coffee Cafe in La Mesa tonight. Was a good show - He's got some cool songs, and Ryan Vernazza (another HS friend) got skillz on the electrical guitar.

Check out the myspace site - http://jrrobison.com

I like the song "Move out of State" - Nice vocals and I'm identifying with the emotion as well (even though the words don't match my current relationship situation, the emotion seems similar).

Cool name for the CD too =)

bummer of a weekend

If I think of the 3 most important things in my life at the moment:

• relationship with girlfriend


• health (emphasis on basketball)


• work

at the moment, none of them are going too well. My girlfriend seems to be drifting further and further away despite my best efforts. My back is screwed up, so I don't think it's a good idea to play any ball this weekend - and I don't know how to fix this for the future. And work is stressing me out - seems my smooth working dynamic with my boss is in jeopardy.

Of course, I have ideas on how to improve each of these situations

• working through communication issues with GF


• bought core exercise books, thinking of going to a physical therapist


• there's supposed to be a promotion available in my future, and I know that I can knock my current project out of the park

But I can't help feeling that maybe I need to reboot... drop everything, forget those priorities, and restart my life. Maybe the GF and I are meant to drift apart, I mean, it takes two to tango, and I feel like I've been doing a one person tango for the past month or two (and I'm a terrible dancer)... Maybe it is time to quit my job. My opportunity for doing something crazy - like moving to Japan for a year or more is most likely now or never. Even just keeping my career progress going; I'm not sure my current employer will support any further development.
Seems I'm totally unmotivated to fix up the condo and rent out the 3rd bedroom... That's going to erode my finances pretty quickly... Well, this place doesn't feel like a friendly home at the moment. It feels emotionally empty and instead full of junk...

bah! gotta do something with the weekend... can't just lay around - that will only make things worse!

Giving white guys hope of being cool =)

I have already heard some disagreement, but Pittsburg Slim's single: Girls kiss Girls makes him my favorite white pop musician of the moment.

Check it out:

Politics

My little bro convinced me to donate a couple bucks to Ron Paul the other day. I don't like to brag, but RP broke a fund raising record just a few minutes after my donation ;-)

I must admit though, I haven't researched him much. Just read a couple of his issue pages.
I strongly disagree with his views on Border Security and Immigration Reform. Because:

• I (like GWB) know that illegals are a solid and important part of the economy
• I achieved US citizenship because I was born in this country, and I think it's a major step away from the constitution as written 200-odd years ago to change this
  
• My personal encounters with illegals have been highly positive. I summarize the group as highly motivated people working their asses off to improve their and their family's lives. That's exactly the spirit this country and the democratic principal in general is founded on!
  Not to say that freeloaders are completely mythical, but I personally have never encountered an immigrant freeloader... Strike that - the only ones I have already had money and were able to hire lawyers and twist the system however they wanted - Legally!
• I have had many friends on the border patrol, and they told me that for the San Diego border anyway, the only reason anyone gets through is because the politicians tell them not to stop everyone. So, stupid solutions like big fences don't make sense to me.
  

But, I strongly agree with his views on Privacy and Personal Liberty. I wish more of the candidates saw privacy and personal rights as an important topic. These have been in extreme decline for at least 8 years... After preventing world war 3, that's the political topic I feel most strongly about.

Now that the serious stuff is out of the way, I LOVE this Hillary video:

Why is it that I'm so affected by my current relationship issues?

I feel like my life has been turned upside-down, and it's pretty tough to maintain any level of excitement about anything in the foreseeable future. Don't get me wrong, I know that I will be fine, and I know that my life is great, and in comparison to anyone with a disability or injury or poverty, etc I have nothing to complain about. But those are just thoughts right now. They aren't in line with my feelings. My conscious mind is able to deal, but the subconscious is still having issues.

So I wonder... why does this relationship issue affect my subconscious so much?

As I like to do, I came up with 3 reasons. None of them are super easy to understand (even for me, residing in the same body as my subconscious), so I'm not sure I will be able to describe in a way that others will understand.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not trying to reflect negatively on my parents... I no longer hold any conscious grudges against them - I'm just trying to understand myself

• Criticism - As a child, I developed a view that no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough and there was always something wrong with it. I've spun this into a positive view: that there is always room for improvement and that arrogance is not justified even if you are very good at something. However, this criticism from a young age led my conscious brain to develop defenses to never expect praise for anything. Meanwhile, I think my subconscious is desperately seeking that praise. I don't allow most people in my life past the conscious defenses, but I definitely did with the girlfriend. I enjoyed being closer to her, but now I've learned the price for that vulnerability. For the first 3.5 years, she was very very rarely critical; but due to the relationship shift, she has been more honest lately - even sharing tons of retroactive criticism. This cuts deep, because I never saw it coming and never had a chance for defense. Hopefully, in the future she can share these concerns when the events occur, instead of saving up until the relationship is under pressure and then suddenly open the flood gates.
  
  So, that seems to make sense. I think most people would agree that criticism tends to be unpleasant under any circumstances, but since I'm already viewing myself with a critical eye, learning that my assumptions about my girlfriend's positive image of me are not correct is an unexpected shock. The childhood background explains why it cuts so deep and isn't easy to recover from immediately.
  

• Abandonment - Until this relationship upheaval, I never saw much use for Freud's childhood based explanations of emotions, personality, etc. I always thought that I could overcome any childhood situations without lingering effects. However, reading Getting the Love You Want and understand my recent emotions through this lens has convinced me of the validity of a childhood personality formation.
  I've realized that I have a deep fear of abandonment. I can't trace it directly to specific childhood events; but I do think there's a good chance that my caretakers were often busy when I was little and that set a pattern where I crave attention and fear abandonment.
  I can remember specific incidents reinforcing this fear after that formative stage. At 14 or 15 I experienced what I interpreted as abandonment and I ended up residing which the other parent. After that each of my romantic relationships have ended with me feeling abandoned, and the current situation feeds right back into that fear. Now that I've written it down, it seems more understandable than I expected.
  

• Deserving of current position - The third point is probably not as easy to understand.
  Sometimes my parents' relationship wasn't very smooth, and my view at the time was that one of them was 100% at fault. When they divorced, I saw it as an overdue event. Since childhood, I've put much effort into shaping my personality as different from this parent, so that I wouldn't repeat this pattern in my own life.
  However, now, even though it doesn't make sense that I'm 100% at fault, I'm unable to avoid the fear that I am in some sense repeating the pattern. Since my girlfriend has been so good to me for 3.5 years, I know that she can't be 100% at fault, so that leaves the possibility of me being the problem. This is even reinforced by one of my criticism coping strategies, which is to assume that the criticism is correct and move on from there. That's great for dealing with most day to day criticism that I encounter. (For example: After someone honks at me while driving, I think, "So what if a random stranger doesn't like my driving? It's likely I'll never see them again - if I just let it go, then it will be over. After the immediate anger passes, I think "Do they have a valid point? Perhaps I shouldn't have pulled this particular maneuver - I'll have to remember that for the future".)
  
  This one is especially tricky, because my mind immediately clung to the idea that I'm deserving of this position, because I'm so familiar with that relationship analysis from my childhood. When I have noticed that my emotions are the same as the parent I considered at fault, it only leads credibility to the idea that I really am at fault. Even my sadness and pain leads me to feel responsible.
  
  I think I understand what I'm trying to say... Doubt anyone else would read this 3rd point the same way - LOL
  

hmm...
that's definitely enough self-evaluation for the moment. It does feel nice to have gotten some understanding of why this is so emotionally distressing for me. It makes sense that much of the pain isn't coming directly from my relationship - but from personality traits that I've had since childhood. Hopefully that allows me to deal with it better, and gives my relationship a much better chance of returning to having a positive effect on my life.

as an aside... I've stopped talking to my ex. She was supportive initially, but in general she tends to be pretty critical; and I don't feel like I need that right now. Plus, it's not fair for me to hurt her by telling her how dedicated I am to my current relationship.

that leaves only my MoM with whom I can chat with about all this stuff... perhaps that's how it's supposed to be. Even though it seems the GF has 10's of people to talk to who support her; but maybe that's just a "grass is greener" type reaction.

2007-08 NBA Finals Prediction

My early prediction is Suns over Boston in the 2008 NBA finals.

Should be another interesting year for the NBA.

I'm curious to see how the Rockets, Hornets, Heat, and Celtics teams come together.
Since the closest team to me is the Lakers - the Kobe drama will also be interesting... I think there's a 50/50 chance of a trade around mid-season - ironically because Kobe's contract is too good! He's got more power over the team than most players - so they may have to trade him before the contract's time value drops too far and they don't get anything in return.

Rihanna ft. Ne-Yo - Hate That I Love You

But I hate it...
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't want to fuss.. and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you
....
I can't stand how much I need you



Source: Slack-time.com - includes full lyrics

My weaknesses

For some reason I feel like analyzing my weaknesses. I think it's an attempt to boost my mood, but I don't quite understand why that would help. So here they are:

1. self-doubt
2. dancing
   
3. recognizing faces
4. keeping in touch with friends and family
5. timeliness
6. sales skills
7. hard on self
8. karaoke
9. issues with back pain
10. billiards
11. poor vision
12. mild acne from time to time
13. decorating
14. poker

besides the internal naggings of self-doubt, which I imagine is a struggle for a high percentage of people in this world; I don't think any of those are that bad.

I'm sure the positive would far out weigh the negative. Which I suppose is what I'm trying to tell myself. ok then, I'm glad

...

I didn't initally intend to make a list of strengths, but somehow the weaknesses by themselves leave me unfullfilled, so here goes:

1. open-minded, experimental, adventurous
2. optimistic, glass is half full view of life
   
3. persistent
4. learn new things fast
5. believe that every person / situation has something to offer or to teach
   
6. see other's perspective: empathetic, thoughtful, considerate
7. disciplined and hard working
8. analytical & contemplative
9. solution finder
10. sense of humor (that occasionally makes others laugh in addition to myself)
11. self-less (sometimes to a fault)
12. not unattractive
13. like to read, life-long learner
    
14. generous at times
15. I don't abuse substances or people
16. generally friendly and get along well with others
17. Although I often feel that I should do more to help others, generally supportive and helpful
18. there for any friends in need
19. productive software developer
20. decent memory
21. generally healthy
22. love my family
23. honest with myself and others
    

23 strengths vs 14 weaknesses - score! =)

I hate halloween

ok, that's a bit extreme.
I don't actually hate halloween. But I do have more bad memories than good ones.

Growing up in the middle of the woods didn't present much opportunity for trick or treating. I think I basically missed out on this holiday (except for once as a kid when my MoM helped me make a pacman costume - I remember being happy that year).
After I was in California I didn't know how to enjoy it. They have a different style of halloween here. When I was little I embraced the idea that it was most impressive to make your own one of a kind costume, and then wear it in public daylight hours. Perhaps 'cause I didn't have money? but money never seemed like a halloween problem - childhood naivety covered nicely for any have-not inadequacy. In so-cal though, it seems the most impressive costume is the most expensive or the costume that shows the most skin. While I can't fault chicas for the later, it doesn't help me at all. And even though I could now afford to spend plenty of money on a costume, it wouldn't tie in with any fond childhood memories and would just feel rather empty.

So, my typical halloween experience is promising myself that I'll dress up next year... that's the same this year. The gf is in Dallas and I have no plans to do anything tonight. Oh well... suppose I'm just about too old to learn to enjoy it now anyway - might as well drop the promise for next year.

Most overvalued acquisitions

I submit these as probably the two most overvalued/wasteful acquisitions of all time... but which is worse?

1. Verisign buys Network Solutions for $21 billion
2. SBC purchases AT&T for $16 billion

The AT&T purchase boils down to a huge stack of money for a name. I imagine a few AT&T assets might pan out, but I think SBC readily admits that the only asset they were interested in was the name.
SBC's annual revenue in 2005 was $43 billion with profit of less than $5 billion. Is it possible that the name recognition they gain (costs of switching names for SBC, sub-brands, and Cingular will also be in the billions) is worth $16 billion+ or 3-4 years of profit? How long will it take for such a intangible benefit to make sense?
Let's see... How much is the calculated value of a mega brand like Coke? According to Forbes it's 55 billion - I don't know how they arrive at that valuation, but it does somehow make it seem potentially reasonable to pay >$16billion for perhaps the #1 telecommunications brand name.

Initially I thought that the AT&T purchase was worse, 'cause SBC gains nothing tangible...

Verisign combined with another company who had been a pillar of the internet up to that point. A company that for years was involved in every single site on the internet (to the tune of at least $35/year/TLD). The number of TLD's is many millions and growing rapidly.

Verisign's core revenue source (especially back then) is based on a similar "we were there first" advantage of being a certificate authority installed by default in every SSL enable browser. They charge ~$800/year for a certificate to provide secure communications over the internet. This is a prerequisite for accepting any type of payments through your website.

So far so good - but at the time of acquisition, domain name registration had been deregulated long enough for around 100 other registrar's to open up shop. Network Solutions was no longer a monopoly. I haven't seen an article come right out and say it, but I can't view this purchase as anything but a blunder of nearly unimaginable proportions. According to registrarstats.com today's top registrar is GoDaddy.com. GoDaddy is privately held (I think by one guy). I'd be willing to bet the initial investment was much less than $10 million. Even if we say the March 2000 value of GoDaddy.com was $21 million (which I really doubt), Verisign paid 1000 times as much for a business that today is worth MUCH less. They could have just established themselves as a registrar and starting selling certificates for somewhere in the ballpark of $1 million - including the salaries of all employees involved in the work and all related expenses.

I propose that the $21 billion purchase of Network Solutions is the most wasteful corporate acquisition of all time. The AT&T purchase looks completely reasonable by comparison. Perhaps the acquisition was already planned before registrar deregulation, and Verisign didn't realize the impact that had on the value of Network Solutions?

Am I somehow under valuing the business? Or perhaps you know of an even more wasteful acquisition?

Crazy fires

San Diego is being ravaged by fires for the 2nd time in almost exactly 4 years. I never expected to see such a similar tragedy so soon after the Cedar fires. I'd hate to think that people are setting these fires, but it is really suspicious. Not sure if it's prudent to write thoughts like this down, but if I was a terrorist... ... not going to finish that sentence.

Wikipedia is awesome, people posted all kinds of info on the fires: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/California_wildfires_of_October_2007
And it gets updated as new info is made available (very fast).
A few of the news outlets used Google maps to create fire maps so people could see where the fires were, evacuation areas, evacuation centers, etc. I'd say the coverage of the fires was much better than the Cedar fires and I love the progress the internet has taken in the past 4 years. Becoming more community driven and improved applications like Google maps.

It seems the emergency services did deal with these fires better than the Cedar fires, but I don't like hearing people comparing to Katrina - especially when they are saying that San Diego gov't did so much better than in New Orleans, and Qualcomm stadium (the largest evacuation center) was like a party versus looting, etc. Yeah, only a percentage of SD's population was even affected, so the other 90% were available to chip in and help. That's not really the same situation as Katrina.

Dad headed to Michigan

It's weird how emotions sometimes don't really seem very useful. I suppose I've been emotionally sensitive lately; the intensities are all out of proportion.
This morning I left my Dad in the driveway, truck fully ladden, almost ready to head for the open road and a ~2400 mile drive to my birth town of Irons, Michigan.

I feel guilty, like I'm pushing him away before he was totally ready to leave; but I also feel happy about the separation. He's been living with me for 8 months. I think it allowed me to work out some issues with him (or in my own head), but come on... I shouldn't have to feel guilty to say that I'd rather not live with my parent, right?
All these intense contradictory emotions don't seem to be very useful... I mean, what is the intent? Just to get some kind of reaction, any random reaction - and maybe that will be better. Are emotions akin to what a mouse experiences in a maze? An electrical shock at a dead end and the whiff of cheese around a corner? sooner or later, we'll stumble our way through...?

Now I have a garage full of left over items which didn't fit in the truck. Need to sell some and ship some... that will take some time.

Wintriss Technical School

I met Vic Wintriss at the August 21st meeting of the San Diego Java Users' Group. He's a retired gentleman who had 3 or 4 kids in tow for the meeting. They were his students, as young as 10 years old, who were excitedly presenting their class project which turned out to be a Java-powered Sun Spot interfaced with a Roomba vacuum cleaner robot - designed to be a maze running robot.
After listening to the presentation, and seeing the excitement in the kids eyes, I was hooked.

I couldn't help but to reminisce when I was around that age, and so excited about life and also computers. I remember the Speak and Spell that we got when I was no older than 8. I took to it so much that for my ninth birthday I was able to obtain a Commodore 64 - It was $100 at that time. We hooked it up to an old TV and then I spent hours on end in the basement with the Commodore. I considered it playing, although these days it would be tough to describe it as such. Without any persistent storage, I was presented with a fresh system every time I powered it up. I had a Basic programming book and learned enough to program some simple programs. At that time there were magazines which published programs that could be manually typed into the computer. One of my favorites was a game called Marbles, which was published in hexadecimal assembly code. As I recall, it took me at least two hours to type it in, and then I could play a colorful game with nifty digitized sounds that required rapid hand eye reflexes. I wonder what language the program was written in... Assembly, or a higher level language? Either way, all I saw was meaningless rows upon rows of hex characters. If you mistyped part of the program (after typing for hours) then it wouldn't run. VERY different than the experience that today's kids have with computers.

At one point I decided that I wanted to get a program published in my favorite magazine, 321 Contact. I thought that I had a good chance, since most of the programs were fairly simple. During this pre-Challenger disaster time, the space program was a popular topic in school, so I decided to create a program which displayed a space shuttle blast off. I got the program working to my satisfaction - must have transcribed it from the computer to paper manually with a type-writer, and then mailed it in. I wish I had a copy of that code, but it couldn't have been very good. I even remember worrying that it was too long. It was an ASCII space shuttle that slowly blasted off. I'm sure the organization was terrible. The worst part was that I never got any response back and as I was disappointed each month when checking the magazine to see if it was published, as only an excited kid could be, my short term enthusiasm for programming faded. I didn't have the opportunity to get back into serious programming until 10 years in college. That's why I think what Vic is doing is so great. It's awesome to have someone focused on encouraging kids who are interested in computers. He said it, and I agree, that his program really can change kids life. I imagine that if I have that encouragement when I was ten, I would have become a strong programmer and created tons of useful code at a much earlier age.

It was only natural to volunteer to help with future Wintriss Technical School activities, including the maze contest or teaching future classes. Today I sat in on a class and it appears there are tons of things I can help with, including Object Oriented Design, source control, JUnit, Test Driven Design, UML diagrams, and other tips and tricks I've picked up over the years. I'm excited to contribute and that's a good feeling right now.

Local Star Wars Rocket Event

A group of San Diego rocket engineers built a 21 foot long 1:1 scale X-wing rocket including R2D2 droid co-pilot:



One pre-launch quote stood out to me: If it holds, the X-Wing will be fully recoverable.

I believe it launched over the weekend (10/6 or so), and suffice it to say, R2D2 did not survive:


Full Gizmodo Story

I checked and my R2D2 is still safe and sound in my cube, if you would like to offer condolences for his relative.

Breakthrough!

After a few days being back in San Diego, and some up and down emotional swings, during which I believe I have avoided expressing any anger to her (although I have let her know how hurt I've been), my girlfriend has conceded that perhaps some of the discussion we'd had is accurate. She doesn't necessarily need to split completely from me, but rather we can continue in a relationship, with the change that she'll have her own apartment and we can use this time to sort through our issues and make the relationship stronger.

I was feeling quite a bit better after that discussion last night - it appears she actually will give me a chance, and although we definitely aren't out of the woods, I now feel that it's likely I will have input into events as they evolve, where before I felt like everything was happening outside of my sphere of influence. Today around lunch she even called and asked to put my relationship counter back on my myspace page... (ex: we've been dating for: )

As much as I tried to remain calm, thinking that it's just a symbol, it doesn't mean everything is perfect, my guts were doing the opposite of the past ~3 weeks, and I felt an overpowering sense of joy and happiness. Funny how that shift was so immediate, extreme, and out of my normally tight emotional control - which requires that my emotions make sense to me. now to let some time take effect and restore a bit of a natural balance to my life...

why is this happening?

Whenever I mention the relationship issues to anyone (and I haven't mentioned to too many yet), there is a question immediately asked or implied, and that is something along the lines: "You two seemed to be doing so well, what happened to cause this rift?"

Unfortunately, I don't have an answer. The immediate assumption is that she wants to get married, and although I've considered that, I don't believe it fits the situation - especially since I was planning to propose, and whenever we talked about marriage, me revealing an inclination towards getting married only seemed to make her more disconnected as opposed to getting closer.

From there, my mind jumps to a fear that I'm not worthy of her. However, that really doesn't make sense either. I've always treated her extremely well, and just as I've been happy to be with her, she should (rationally) be happy to be with me. I think we have to be a relatively good match in order to have 3.5 happy and harmonious years together.

I finally came up with the three best reasons that do make more sense to me

• stress of my Dad living with us, new management position / weddings / vacation travel
• Even though he's moving out this week, having a parent live with a couple for 8 months is definitely a strain on any relationship
  
• She recently took a promotion to an extremely stressful manager position, we've been planning for a couple friends weddings, and also squeezing in vacation travel to visit my family in Chicago and Michigan.
  
• Under this type of stress it's only natural to start thinking about your life, longer term goals, etc. Not only that, but she has been meeting new, interesting people in new position. Definitely a time of transition for her.
• I didn't fully realize the impact of this until the last month, but even since the beginning of the relationship, she has been keeping certain walls between us. I assume to keep herself protected - but that also meant that she wasn't as connected to me as I thought. Whenever the topic came up, I avoided it instead of working with her to break down these walls
• At the beginning of the relationship, I was a bit of a challenge to her. To some extent a challenge in a partner is good - it keeps interest up and allows growth. After she realized I wasn't a challenge at all anymore, and she wasn't feeling more connected than before - it was only natural to look for the next challenge

They are not as easy to articulate as "I think she wants a ring", but at least those three reasons give me something to work with / stand on. For right now, I'll focus on trying to break down the walls - maybe that can help us get closer again.

What is our status?

After returning from Savannah Friday night, my emotional levels have continued to be much more agitated than normal. Although it's been a rollercoaster up and down as opposed to just being down - so perhaps that's a reasonable improvement.
The first thing I had to tell her (I'll admit, I thought it out before) was that:
I understand that she's doing what she feels is right and I accept it.
That doesn't ease my pain, and I'll need to do a lot of healing, but it's my responsibility to do that.

She seemed happy to hear that. I almost added that I would only ask for her to not feel guilty, but re-thought that as I'm sure I'll ask for many other things before this suddenly unstable relationship stabilizes one way or the other...

After some relatively normal interaction, there was a question I needed to ask even though I didn't really want to hear the answer. Sometimes being completely uncertain of an outcome feels worse than becoming certain of a less desirable outcome. With that in mind, I had to ask what our current status is. The fact that she's moving out was understood; however, the specifics of what that means seemed up in the air. One time she'd say she can envision us working it out, and the next she'd say that she can't see a difference between "taking a break" and "breaking up". After a bit of discussion we settled on the status "a return to dating". Of course the reality is that the status is at her whim, and I'm not sure I'll be able to think of her as other than my girlfriend anytime soon...

I hate being clingy, but it's going to take some time to work through the sense of loss. Some of the more practical questions floating in my head involve how to describe what has happened, what I call her now, etc. I haven't talked to more than 1 or 2 people so far, but I definitely feel the need to discuss with more people. After my last breakup, it was the support of a wide group of friends that allowed me to move on. Even though I'm not quite ready to move on, if I keep all this bottled up, I'm likely to explode.

...

On to less melancholy thoughts:
I've been watching the last 5 episodes of Entourage tonight... Over the past 2 weeks I've been unable to feel excited about anything longterm, but Entourage is great short-term relief.
It's an amazing show in that (at least to me) it has such a different impact than almost any other show I've watched. Many shows that I like have unrealistic premises (space or time travel, or even just unrealistic portrayal of illegal activity), but Entourage seems like a very realistic portrayal of how 4 guys (one of them a successful movie star) would hang out and approach the world. I'm filled with a deep desire to scale my life to that level. I do want to meet and get to know the most interesting people free myself from the 40+ hour/week grind and fulfill my potential.

I know that I can do it - perhaps part of the reason behind this relationship shift is that I am getting a bit of a swift kick in the ass to remind me of that!

Why a blog?

These days it seems the why for writing a blog is: why not? everyone's doing it

I first created a website as a freshman in college (1995), since then I've planned to increase my online presence. I also have a fondness for writing, so a blog is a natural idea - I've just been putting it off.

Since most of my early posts will probably be quite personal in nature, perhaps a better question is whether I'm comfortable sharing these private thoughts in public.
I'm not sure that I'm fine with that, but I do feel that writing can be therapeutic. I don't know why, but somehow publishing them seems likely to increase that effect.
So we'll see how it goes

If you have any suggestions or comments, please feel free to post them =)

And if you are my girlfriend, just understand that they are not targeted at you.

Delayed in Atlanta

October 5th, 2007 7:30pm - Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport - gate T5:
The flight to San Diego is scheduled to leave in 5 minutes, but it's apparent to me that we are not leaving on time. I don't know this from announcements or updated signs, but due to the fact that there isn't a plane waiting outside the gate. So far, my experience with southern airports is that they are not very serious about boarding and departure times. A previous flight from Memphis to Savannah boarded at least 30 minutes late and still arrived approximately on time.

It's been a hectic and emotional last two weeks. Almost an out-of-body experience. Feels good to finally be headed home, but there is also a significant helping of anxiety mixed in. During my short (or long?) time away, a shift has occurred at home, and I'm no longer certain if it will really feel like home anymore.

Flash-back to January 2007. I had a great feeling of exuberance and excitement about the year - much different than other years. I was doing work that I loved, I felt extremely close to my girlfriend of almost 3 years (perhaps she was "the one"?), I had many close friends and family living nearby in San Diego. The holidays were awesome - other than that I can't put a finger on it, but the year just felt like it had so much promise and potential - I knew that it was going to be a great year. The first 9 months were filled with lots of good times, like

• attending the Marshall Sylver Turning Point Seminar which I gave my girlfriend for Christmas
• a touching Valentine's day
• a romantic anniversary trip to Big Bear
• successful projects at work
• a new kitten named Jesus
  
• general excitement over the future
• learning ruby on rails
• planning and beginning work on a business
• fun times with friends and families

But there were also a undeniable chain of unexpected and sometimes painful events including

• the end of my Dad's 2nd marriage and him moving into my condo for a time
• my MoM quitting her job and moving to Memphis, Tennessee
• my little brother moving back to Northern California
  

Sitting here, waiting for the flight details to work themselves out, half heartedly munching on a quesadilla, I contemplate the most recent event in the chain....

I'm not used to being so torn up inside. Normally I'm a strong, stable person and pride myself on being able to exist in high pressure situations without breaking a sweat. After hearing that my Cutie, someone I'd grown to consider before myself, had obtained a lease for her own apartment starting Monday and "needed her space"; I felt as if parts of my internal organs had been forcibly ripped from my body. And somehow, it was the part of me that I liked the most that was missing. I'd always felt that I was most myself when I was around her...

8:05pm: as some confused change of gate information filters into the crowd (not through a loud speaker and the monitors are not updated yet of course), I'm left dwelling on a potentially conclusive thought:
perhaps life is about learning to overcome tragedy?

if I’m a star, she is the sky...

"if I'm a star, she is the sky"...

thanks for being the sky to my star for
I wish it could have been just a little bit longer...
Perhaps it can be again, but could the 2nd time around shine as bright?
either way, I'm sure that that don't kill me can only make me stronger