no one to answer to

After work, rode my bike to UCSD and played bball till about 9:30... about 2 hours of playing time - won about 4 games in a row and then lost the final game - exact opposite of the last time playing. Wasn't at all sure that we were going to win any, cause the rest of my team was pretty short, but we had a sweet little AI type guard named Santana who was the best guy on the court for the games we won. Saw my neighbor Alan there too - but didn't play with him, cause he was playing on the other court.

After leaving the courts, I got a weird feeling. The feeling that no one would notice a difference if I had stayed at home and vegetated on the couch or had played ball and didn't go home till almost 10:30 (or had done any other random thing tonight). I suppose it's not necessarily a bad thing, but it does feel really weird. These past two months are the first time in my life I've ever lived alone. I never have had a desire to live alone... don't think I like it much - although I know I might be in the minority on that. Guess I am a social person - who would have thunk it after living in the middle of nowhere as a kid and then being pretty restricted on friends up through high school graduation. Or maybe that is the reason... I'm still catching up from being lonely long ago.

Burr, was turning into an icicle riding home - just had a vest and warmup pants on top of my shorts and tshirt. I don't think it was cold enough to really complain compared to ice storms in Tulsa, snow in Denver, and other truly cold weather in the midwest; However, I could see my breath! To avoid the cold and go with the feeling of doing whatever I felt like, I stopped by round table on the way home for a slice of pizza and a Guinness. It was nice - there was still a lot of activity on campus at 10pm. That's cool - I like to hang out on campus and it's really close to the condo (like 1/2 mile to the shuttle or 3 miles all the way to the other side of campus) - will have to do that more often.
While eating, overheard a chica talking about a leaving her boyfriend cause meeting all kinds of new people was "very appealing". My ex is probably feeling exactly the same... wtf - I like meeting new people too. Now is my opportunity to live it up, meet new people, travel, start businesses, etc. I've gotta see her leaving as doing me a favor. It wasn't how I wanted things to happen, but it's probably MUCH better than if we would have stayed together without resolving the volcano discussion pattern where she always got the last word. If I didn't give up long before she would literally hold her ground to the point of breaking up over every tiny difference - like even a disagreement over a scene in a movie or a passage in some book. I always thought she calmed down later and returned to reality, but apparently that's not really true. I can only imagine how she'd be pregnant - I think jumping over the rim of the volcano 2x / month might be a conservative estimate. Strange how she has that dual personality where she's super nice, but also super stubborn. She has to be the singly most stubborn person I've ever met. I think she actually increases her stubbornness on the topics she latches onto because she's nice the rest of the time. In my experience, If someone is mean or stubborn all the time, it's easier to find a weak point and get them to give in... They don't mind breaking their natural tendencies every once in a while. But my ex saw the stubbornness as breaking her natural tendency and there was no more changing after that. I'm surprised that didn't cause more serious issues far earlier in the relationship... Apparently it's a testament to my abilities of getting along with people and avoiding conflict... Although, I no longer think that avoiding conflict is always the best strategy... live and learn!
Speaking of learning, I really have to stop thinking about her like this. I highly doubt that she's thinking about me, and even if she was, I still have to stop thinking about her. My 98-02 ex told me to "be a man"... And she's right, but damn, why is it so much easier said than done? What's the solution? I just need to shut off my weak emotions or something? I'm sure they serve some kind of purpose, but right now they seem totally useless to me.

Hmm... I'll have to consider creating a more public blog or remove the too private sections of this one - so that I can tell some people about it.