Friday, November 30, 2007

rainy day

Today started off with the plip-plip-plip of raindrops on the window. It woke me from a restful sleep to the pleasant vanilla-y feeling of Friday. Cleaned for about an hour, worked out for half... felt the flow of endorphins, took a shower... Drove through the rain (nice, don't have to wash the car now!) and headed into the office.
Arrived and plugged in the xmas lights and snowman - yep I decorated the cube =) The rain made me think of Mammoth, hope they are getting some powdery snow...
Then had a nice live meeting teleconference with my project team (they are spread across 3 states: cali, texas, and new jersey)... The project is on track, not only with the business requirements, but with some of the process improvements I'm keen on implementing to increase quality.

I do like telling people what to do =) not in a domineering way, but more in an instructional way... (perhaps that is more annoying? ... nah =)

After lunch (not going to pizza hut's pizza buffet again soon), the day wrapped up pretty quickly... got some new requirements spec'd out and had another productive meeting with the front end team (our customers)...
stayed a bit later at the office than I should have, but had a nice conversation with another overly dedicated coworker (who happens to be cute) about corporate jargon.

On the way home, the plesantness of the day started to fade. Driving home in the dark is a bit of a bummer - I'd rather see a sunset, or at least the fading light of day. The roads were flooded, which means they are not well built for rain, and end up with pools of water all over. Luckily there weren't many others on the road, since I don't have much trust in my fellow San Diegans wet driving skillz.

I got out of the car, and the rain, as strong rain typically does, especially this time of year, made me think of cuddling up with a cup of hot chocolate... and a certain special someone. A certain someone who no longer wishes to cuddle with me. Maybe some similar thoughts did cross her mind today though? She's so close (less than 2 miles) and yet so far (she hasn't called and only IM'd once all week). I'm giving her space, just cause it seems to be the right thing to do... the opposite tactic, at any level all the way up to suggesting we elope in vegas, didn't have the intended effect, so I really have no choice. Well, if I can't be with her, I'm going to have to start imagining that another can take her place. Plenty of girls out there would be happy to cuddle with me!

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Thanksgiving

Is life supposed to be difficult?
One view of my life would be that whenever things get too easy, I've either created problems myself, or had external problems imposed on me that bring me back to the struggle.
This relationship hiccup / breakup is definitely one of those incidents. Perhaps the reason is because I was becoming too complacent... life was too easy, and maybe that's just not how things are supposed to be.

Watched American Gangster over the weekend. There was a very interesting compare/contrast between the two main characters. Frank Lucas (Denzel) is a mob boss who would steal and kill to attain success. He has respect both in public as well as with his family. He takes care of his family (and the implication is that he's good to his organization as well). So, he's basically well-loved by all, except for a small number of enemies. Richie Roberts is a detective and saying he's a stickler for the rules would be an understatement. He is disliked by other cops, his partner, and even his family. Much of his initial notoriety is due to finding one million dollars in unmarked bills and actually turning the money in. As the movie presents the situation, it seems as if that is a more unbelievable event than Frank casually murdering a rival in cold blood in the middle of a crowded street. Richie's wife leaves him and takes his son out of state, apparently due to his strict scruples even more than his workaholic tendencies.

Which one of these men is a model for how to live be respected and successful? Obviously not Richie. I'm not buying the epilogue summary at the end of the movie which tries to give him a happy ending. The manner in which he took down Frank Lucas would be even more offensive to his law enforcement colleagues than turning in the million dollars, because he used Frank to prosecute a large percentage of the narcotic cops for taking payoffs. That would only continue the path he was on in the movie. Sure, it takes all kinds, and Richie fulfills a valuable role, but there's only a small number of his type required to keep society running smoothly. He's not the role model of how to be - or an example of what values are important.

Another interesting question is that Frank apparently achieves redemption by turning in those cops. So, does that make him "a good guy"? Does that somehow make up for his past?

What's really important in this life? Frank seems to be the better model... Throw out the murder and selling illegal substances and you have a successful business manager or CEO. And CEO ethics are definitely closer to gangster than Richie's. All successful medium to large business is based on a pyramid, where the customers far out number the employees, and employees out number executives. The first grade level idea of somehow convincing everyone in the country to give them a dollar, to create wealth, isn't so different from any other business on the planet. Frank efficiently convinced a large number of customers to give him more than his product cost him. That's exactly what running a business is.

I also want to be a successful businessman, but definitely not at any cost. So now that I'm evaluating my life, I'm torn between whether that's a noble goal and some self doubt as to whether I can achieve the goal. Perhaps I am missing something important that would clear it up a bit?

On the ex-relationship front, I've been working hard to stop thinking about her constantly in a needy way and to get over the loss of the relationship. Been thinking that even when we were together and everything seemed perfect, maybe it wasn't healthy to do things like watch her sleeping and find peace in her breathing. That always gave me the feeling of warmth that everything was right in the world... Maybe it's important not to let those core feelings depend on another person - even if their involvement is totally passive. It would be better if I had control of that feeling inside myself and could call on it at any time without requiring some external situation to be met.
Life is Beautiful is one of my all-time favorite movies because of that exact reason, Roberto Benigni's character never gave anyone the power to take away his happiness. Even in a Nazi concentration camp he was able to be exuberant about life. If there is any trait I admire most, it would be that. In high school, during the time when I formed my initial philosophy of life (b4 seeing the movie), I fixated on the idea that "Happiness is a choice". The meaning being that happiness is internal and not external. Until that point, I often let external influences get me down and felt that certain external things would need to happen before I could be happy with life. However, the realization that all I had to do to be happy was to choose it was a major shift in my life. Since then, I've been a much happier person, and I believe connected much more with the world and people around me.

Sometime earlier this year, I decided that I trusted my ex completely and loved her absolutely. That was probably fine, but I now realize that along with this realization I made a terrible mistake and also gave her the key to my happiness. If she wasn't happy, neither was I, and if she was, then I was too. I don't know for sure, but I wouldn't be surprised at all if that was the exact moment that she started to feel differently about our relationship. That does seem like too much pressure. I don't think I was too ridiculous about it, but I definitely have learned an important lesson here. I need a corollary to "Happiness is a choice" which adds that one should never give that choice away under any circumstances. Of course, it makes sense not to be affected when you are caught in the rain, or someone steals your pen, etc... But I had never considered that giving up this choice to the person you love could be just as bad if not a worse idea.

I really like this lesson because I think it is more core than some others floating through my head, such as "you can never trust anyone" or "women are cruel", etc. It's really the first positive spin I've been able to come up with for this whole painful situation. I think that by embracing this lesson and living it from now on, I can avoid things like trying to hurt other girls to make myself feel better. And hopefully I can avoid desperately clinging to my ex. Unfortunately, I think that once given in the way I did, it may take more than an instantaneous decision to regain full control over my right to choose happiness. And I'm sure that I'll long feel that perhaps she will love me again. Perhaps now that I've realized the lesson, that's the first step towards reestablishing the relationship. Can't rush anything though - she definitely has things she wants to learn and/or experience before she'd be ready to return to our relationship.


It's quite appropriate that this is Thanksgiving weekend, because it's so easy right now to focus on how bad things are; but in reality there is so much I'm thankful for.
I live in paradise, and have all my basic needs covered - food, shelter, etc. I'm thankful for my family, friends, acquaintances, etc. I'm thankful for the people in this world who have done so much for me - even if I don't have any direct contact with them - the soldiers, ancestors, etc. I'm thankful for all the opportunities I have had and continue to have. I'm thankful for everything that has made me what I am.

Back to the relationship, I'm thankful for having had an amazingly good relationship for three and a half years. The relationship really did give me hope that two people can be truly happy together, which before then, I'd really only imagined and never experienced. The fact that it's not good now doesn't diminish how awesome it was for that time.

I'm thankful for my job, car, coworkers, neighbors, cat, condo, health, basketball, myspace, computers, and everything else as well.

I really do love this life - it truly is beautiful
even if it has do be difficult, I'm sure there's a good reason for that =)

on that note - if you have an extra 3 minutes and 40 seconds, take a look at this vid =) It starts off slow, but then gets more interesting... I like it WAY better than the plastic bag video in American Beauty =)
Daft Bodies - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger


Saturday, November 24, 2007

hummingbirds

I'm sitting here this nice temperate morning on the patio. Refilled the hummingbird feeder and a few hummingbirds have stopped by for some drinks. Larger and louder than most of the hummingbirds I've seen around, three of them begin to play out an interesting scene. I can't tell for sure, but it appears that two are male and one is female. The males have more flamboyant colors and attitudes to match. One male scouts the area, then lands and takes a few nourishing drinks of the sugary solution. He then lands on a nearby branch and acts like he's guarding the food. The other male flies up and they have a high speed encounter - tough to tell what's going on - who wins, etc... From the human perspective it's hard not to marvel at the speed and power of these little creatures, compared to whom even gravity seems to move slow. The males seem to be trying to impress the female, who comes by to drink a couple times as well.

Birds seem to do well with the plain looking females and colorful, attractive males. What would it be like if humans were the same way? Seems like human females are attractive as well as picky and increasingly self-sufficient. I used to be in sync with the feminist ideas of maintaining independence from men. However, what if girls, given a choice, aren't interested in keeping the same guy around? That doesn't seem like the best option for raising a family either...

Maybe monogamy isn't built into our DNA. Seems chimpanzees and bonobos (our closest primate relatives) have significantly more sex than modern day humans, and neither of them practice monogamy.

Thinking of life goals lately... seems that lately I have the opportunity or the mandate to re-evaluate what I want out of life. I know I'd like to be free of the 40 hour work week. I know I love to develop software. I was thinking that I wanted to start a family. Perhaps the last is in contradiction with the first two, and that's why it's not happening, because I need more progress on the first two before embarking on that adventure.

Friday, November 23, 2007

cooincidence?

Crazy, just read Gilbert Arenas' blog entry he posted after being told that he can't play for 3 months. Seems I'm not the only one that has these challenging events happen together. Arenas just broke up with his girlfriend, and now he's injured so he can't play with the Wizards for 3 months. Terrible timing... or is it?
The first time I broke with a live in GF, she moved out (across the country), I lost my job, and my roommate moved out (forcing me to find a cheaper residence) all right around the same time. Quite literally, my life was turned upside down, and I had a sink or swim reaction. It took a while, but after about a year, I was not only back on my feet, but happier than ever.
This time, my GF and Dad moved out during the same week - and work is abnormally stressful (but my position isn't currently threatened, so that isn't the same).

I know I can bounce back from this situation also. It's possible that it could be more difficult than last time, but perhaps that means the rewards can be greater as well? Maybe life throws these curve balls at ya from time to time in order to shake things up and get ya to the next level.
Sounds good - I hope everything works out well for Arenas as well =)

why is this happening? (revisted)

A month and a half after my previous post, I'm forced to revist the question of why my relationship is rocky at the moment.

I think I've finally ruled out the idea that she wants a ring. Spent last weekend trying to convince her to elope in Vegas. I know it's crazy, but I was actually thinking that eloping could be a positive thing to get us back on the right path. It might convince her to "let me back in" - so that we are experiencing this together as opposed to her having one set of experiences and me having another...
We didn't go to Vegas, but she says it was touching, and she said a couple of things that indicated she might consider a reaffirmation of our relationship - such as a plan to move back in the condo at some point. But somehow, I can tell it still doesn't feel right to her. She thinks I'm saying these things only because I was depressed. Seeing as I have been depressed, and she doesn't believe me that I was already planning to propose before she expressed any doubts, I suppose I can appreciate her position.

Where I stand now is that the strategy of going through the Getting the Love You Want exercises and trying to break down the walls that she has maintained since the beginning of the relationship is a failure. I had a lot of hope for the Getting the Love You Want exercises, but I am now thinking that they are probably much more effective in the situation where the woman wants to continue the relationship and the guy is pulling away. The logical / analytical nature of the book could be effective on guys; but apparently it's not that effective on women. Must seem forced to them... In fact, in general, I think the book would be more effective in the context of a marriage or relationship where both parties assume the relationship will continue. Then the book could help them work through issues and conflicts, so that it goes from being a painful relationship to being a good relationship. However, it seems quite ineffective when the choices are breaking up or staying together.

I've thought a lot about why she would consider ending what appeared to be such a great relationship. Here are the three reasons I came up with from a month and a half ago:
  • stress and externally imposed change
  • walls and defenses maintained over the course of the relationship
  • loss of challenge of winning me over
They helped me understand a little bit, but they didn't help me to bring us any closer together. And today they seem inadequate. Perhaps it's more simple than this. The truth is that couples who have strong attraction to each other shrug off the above reasons like nothing and are able to survive much worse: long distance relationships, infidelity, new jobs, kids that seem to be impossible to handle, tragedy in family or community, etc. So, maybe it makes more sense to think of a single reason: a loss of attraction.

The only way we could regain a solid relationship again is if we regain a strong attraction for each other. In order for me to be attracted to her in the same way (and not in a deperate/pathetic way) - I need to let go of the hurt, pain, and sense of betrayal.
I don't know what she needs exactly... She has said she needs time to figure herself out. That makes some sense. I need to allow her this time.

In the meantime, I can focus on myself. I need to eliminate my depression and get optimistic about life again. Much easier said than done, but I also know that it is possible!

Some of the things I can focus on:
  • work (but not too much - 45 hrs/week is plenty)
    • update my resume
  • side internet businesses
    • tough to focus on, but should devote at least a little bit of time to this
  • hobbies
    • surfing (new)
    • snowboarding (soon there will be snow in the mountains)
    • basketball
    • teaching programming to kids at Wintriss Technical School
    • personal trainer at 24 hour fitness?
    • yoga classes at UCSD?
  • Clean / fix up condo
    • New windows
    • clean / decorate bedroom
    • get a new renter (don't want to get screwed up financially!)
  • meet new people
    • geeks from sdjug, xpsd, and sdruby

Friday, November 16, 2007

emptiness

Feeling empty...

I miss coming home to a loving household. I miss waking up next to a beautiful girl and staring at her while she sleeps. I miss seeing her on my desktop and phone wallpapers. I miss watching TV next to her, while she types on the computer. I miss laying my head on her lap, or have her lay her head on my shoulder. I miss having her voice wake me from accidental slumber downstairs, reminding me to head upstairs for the night. I miss walking hand in hand and feeling like we are partners, closer to each other than anyone else on the planet. I miss running my hands over her body, feeling the smooth silkiness and massaging her aggravations away. I even miss her stubbornness and the challenge of winning and keeping her heart focused on me. I'm missing these and a thousand other things... Feels like there's a giant hole inside me where she used to be. My whole life feels wrong without her in it.

All I can think of right now is having her back, and yet I know that sniveling, crying, begging has approximately a 0% chance of working. It's so hard to comprehend/accept the idea that it's truly over - or even that it's "over for now"... whatever that means =(

On a lighter note, I never understood why the women (or men) that great poets obsess over wouldn't read one poem and come back to them immediately & forever. Now I can see that making sense... people don't want to be pleaded with as a way to pick their lovers - they want a match of an equal. Of course the idea that I'm not her equal isn't a pleasant one either! I suppose my behavior isn't at the moment though.

If the poets didn't have their pain, they wouldn't have funneled it into their art. So, above all else, I'm clinging to the idea that everything happens for a reason.
I've often thought that I would have an easy life; but perhaps that's not the real plan...
Maybe this sums it up: God gives the biggest challenges to those who can best handle them.
I've come through many other challenges before - stronger than ever; surely I can do the same here.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Day by Day

If any experts out there are still claiming that emotions/mental state are not tied to physical health and general success in life; I beg to dispute them.

Since my emotions have been juggled the last couple months; my back, which had been doing really well for at least 8 months, is giving me tons of trouble again... Sunday was quite painful - to the point of not being able to walk comfortably!
Seems there are a couple things going on.
1. Pressure on a nerve that passes out of my spine somewhere nearby the lowest vertebra causes pain wrapping around my hip and towards the crotch.
2. Either independently, or perhaps because of trying to compensate for this pain, my hips are counter rotating, so that my right leg is getting shorter and the left is getting longer. 2 weeks back, they were in the neighborhood of 1 inch or more difference in length. Besides being extremely disconcerting, I'm sure this only exacerbates the other problems with my back.

In general when any one part of my back is hurting, soon enough, the rest of it starts hurting as well... everything is connected and requires proper balance or the whole thing falls apart... just wish I knew better how to deal with specific areas before the problem spread...

What's the saying? "only as strong as my weakest link" hmm... I'm not sure I'd go quite that far, cause weaknesses often can be turned into strengths. Maybe that's the point. A weakness is an opportunity for learning...


I'm definitely looking for some balance in life (not just in my back)... I don't think quiting my job, moving to some seedy location a hemisphere or so away and spending every night with a different girl until my money runs dry is an appropriate reaction... neither is crying each night at home alone... or working 60-80 hours a week in an attempt to get validation there...


can't believe I accidentally bought a core exercise book aimed specifically at women... I noticed the "15 mins per day" part and the near 5 reviews, but not the small print "for women"... I wonder if there really is anything different in how women and men should be strengthing their cores? and why shouldn't I post to amazon saying that they shouldn't make it gender specific. Similar to the #1 critical/helpful review for another exercise book I purchased who is unhappy cause the author uses the "guys" pronoun in the book?


If anyone reads this - I apologize for the whining. It somehow makes me feel better to get it out :-/

I'm considering a return to physical therapy. Hopefully they will be able to attack a problem like "counter rotating hips" better than "my back hurts, but not right now, 'cause you made me schedule this appointment over 2 weeks ahead of time and the pain went away"
So if anyone (from the hypothetical audience of readers) knows of a good physical therapist near the San Diego golden triangle area; let me know.

funny how I'm able to maintain relatively positive thoughts about relationships during the day, and then get depressed about that at night; and at night I get relatively happy about work even if I'm depressed about that during the day...

suppose it's easy to caught caught in feedback loops of negativity - gotta focus on creating more positive thoughts and generate some positive feedback loops - happy coincidences etc.

this entry is way too stream of consciousness... oh well - maybe I'll re-read and re-write it some other time

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Break up =(

So, this doesn't help my abandonment issues at all, but the GF decided to cut out of her 3 month commitment to working through our issues. It's a shock, and I really thought we had more together than that - I would have done anything for her - to make her happy, to protect her, love and cherish, etc. I don't think love like that comes along every day; but maybe it really was nothing special - if so, I suppose there's no loss for her in throwing the dice again. I suppose I'm not able to be unbiased at the moment.

It was starting to seem inevitable over the past few weeks. She went a little back and forth, so I had some hope, but I just have to accept that it's just meant to be like this. It hurts a lot, but I'm glad she gave me a little bit of time to process the idea and now I feel like I can handle it better. That 180 degree switch in under a week (while I was out of town) didn't give me enough time to understand what the hell was going on.

In the short term, I know I'm still a catch. I'm fun to be with, supportive, open with affection, know how to make girls feel good, etc. I don't need to worry about dealing with those deeper commitment/abandonment issues unless I meet a very special girl someday. And the one departing was pretty amazing (until she switched it off), so it would be pretty tough to one up her.

On a more positive note, I tried surfing for the first time today, and it was awesome. I stood up on my first wave; and then rode like 10 more. The waves were small, so no pummeling, but my arms got tired pretty quickly - it didn't feel like I was working too hard most of the time, but I think it's a good workout. I'll probably be sore in the morning =)

Saturday, November 10, 2007

JR Robison show at Cosmos Coffee

JR Robison (who I knew in High School) had a show at Cosmos Coffee Cafe in La Mesa tonight. Was a good show - He's got some cool songs, and Ryan Vernazza (another HS friend) got skillz on the electrical guitar.

Check out the myspace site - http://jrrobison.com

I like the song "Move out of State" - Nice vocals and I'm identifying with the emotion as well (even though the words don't match my current relationship situation, the emotion seems similar).

Cool name for the CD too =)

bummer of a weekend

If I think of the 3 most important things in my life at the moment:

  • relationship with girlfriend

  • health (emphasis on basketball)

  • work


at the moment, none of them are going too well. My girlfriend seems to be drifting further and further away despite my best efforts. My back is screwed up, so I don't think it's a good idea to play any ball this weekend - and I don't know how to fix this for the future. And work is stressing me out - seems my smooth working dynamic with my boss is in jeopardy.

Of course, I have ideas on how to improve each of these situations

  • working through communication issues with GF

  • bought core exercise books, thinking of going to a physical therapist

  • there's supposed to be a promotion available in my future, and I know that I can knock my current project out of the park



But I can't help feeling that maybe I need to reboot... drop everything, forget those priorities, and restart my life. Maybe the GF and I are meant to drift apart, I mean, it takes two to tango, and I feel like I've been doing a one person tango for the past month or two (and I'm a terrible dancer)... Maybe it is time to quit my job. My opportunity for doing something crazy - like moving to Japan for a year or more is most likely now or never. Even just keeping my career progress going; I'm not sure my current employer will support any further development.
Seems I'm totally unmotivated to fix up the condo and rent out the 3rd bedroom... That's going to erode my finances pretty quickly... Well, this place doesn't feel like a friendly home at the moment. It feels emotionally empty and instead full of junk...

bah! gotta do something with the weekend... can't just lay around - that will only make things worse!

Friday, November 9, 2007

Giving white guys hope of being cool =)

I have already heard some disagreement, but Pittsburg Slim's single: Girls kiss Girls makes him my favorite white pop musician of the moment.

Check it out:

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Politics

My little bro convinced me to donate a couple bucks to Ron Paul the other day. I don't like to brag, but RP broke a fund raising record just a few minutes after my donation ;-)

I must admit though, I haven't researched him much. Just read a couple of his issue pages.
I strongly disagree with his views on Border Security and Immigration Reform. Because:
  • I (like GWB) know that illegals are a solid and important part of the economy
  • I achieved US citizenship because I was born in this country, and I think it's a major step away from the constitution as written 200-odd years ago to change this
  • My personal encounters with illegals have been highly positive. I summarize the group as highly motivated people working their asses off to improve their and their family's lives. That's exactly the spirit this country and the democratic principal in general is founded on!
    Not to say that freeloaders are completely mythical, but I personally have never encountered an immigrant freeloader... Strike that - the only ones I have already had money and were able to hire lawyers and twist the system however they wanted - Legally!
  • I have had many friends on the border patrol, and they told me that for the San Diego border anyway, the only reason anyone gets through is because the politicians tell them not to stop everyone. So, stupid solutions like big fences don't make sense to me.
But, I strongly agree with his views on Privacy and Personal Liberty. I wish more of the candidates saw privacy and personal rights as an important topic. These have been in extreme decline for at least 8 years... After preventing world war 3, that's the political topic I feel most strongly about.

Now that the serious stuff is out of the way, I LOVE this Hillary video:

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Why is it that I'm so affected by my current relationship issues?

I feel like my life has been turned upside-down, and it's pretty tough to maintain any level of excitement about anything in the foreseeable future. Don't get me wrong, I know that I will be fine, and I know that my life is great, and in comparison to anyone with a disability or injury or poverty, etc I have nothing to complain about. But those are just thoughts right now. They aren't in line with my feelings. My conscious mind is able to deal, but the subconscious is still having issues.

So I wonder... why does this relationship issue affect my subconscious so much?

As I like to do, I came up with 3 reasons. None of them are super easy to understand (even for me, residing in the same body as my subconscious), so I'm not sure I will be able to describe in a way that others will understand.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not trying to reflect negatively on my parents... I no longer hold any conscious grudges against them - I'm just trying to understand myself

  • Criticism - As a child, I developed a view that no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough and there was always something wrong with it. I've spun this into a positive view: that there is always room for improvement and that arrogance is not justified even if you are very good at something. However, this criticism from a young age led my conscious brain to develop defenses to never expect praise for anything. Meanwhile, I think my subconscious is desperately seeking that praise. I don't allow most people in my life past the conscious defenses, but I definitely did with the girlfriend. I enjoyed being closer to her, but now I've learned the price for that vulnerability. For the first 3.5 years, she was very very rarely critical; but due to the relationship shift, she has been more honest lately - even sharing tons of retroactive criticism. This cuts deep, because I never saw it coming and never had a chance for defense. Hopefully, in the future she can share these concerns when the events occur, instead of saving up until the relationship is under pressure and then suddenly open the flood gates.

    So, that seems to make sense. I think most people would agree that criticism tends to be unpleasant under any circumstances, but since I'm already viewing myself with a critical eye, learning that my assumptions about my girlfriend's positive image of me are not correct is an unexpected shock. The childhood background explains why it cuts so deep and isn't easy to recover from immediately.
  • Abandonment - Until this relationship upheaval, I never saw much use for Freud's childhood based explanations of emotions, personality, etc. I always thought that I could overcome any childhood situations without lingering effects. However, reading Getting the Love You Want and understand my recent emotions through this lens has convinced me of the validity of a childhood personality formation.
    I've realized that I have a deep fear of abandonment. I can't trace it directly to specific childhood events; but I do think there's a good chance that my caretakers were often busy when I was little and that set a pattern where I crave attention and fear abandonment.
    I can remember specific incidents reinforcing this fear after that formative stage. At 14 or 15 I experienced what I interpreted as abandonment and I ended up residing which the other parent. After that each of my romantic relationships have ended with me feeling abandoned, and the current situation feeds right back into that fear. Now that I've written it down, it seems more understandable than I expected.
  • Deserving of current position - The third point is probably not as easy to understand.
    Sometimes my parents' relationship wasn't very smooth, and my view at the time was that one of them was 100% at fault. When they divorced, I saw it as an overdue event. Since childhood, I've put much effort into shaping my personality as different from this parent, so that I wouldn't repeat this pattern in my own life.
    However, now, even though it doesn't make sense that I'm 100% at fault, I'm unable to avoid the fear that I am in some sense repeating the pattern. Since my girlfriend has been so good to me for 3.5 years, I know that she can't be 100% at fault, so that leaves the possibility of me being the problem. This is even reinforced by one of my criticism coping strategies, which is to assume that the criticism is correct and move on from there. That's great for dealing with most day to day criticism that I encounter. (For example: After someone honks at me while driving, I think, "So what if a random stranger doesn't like my driving? It's likely I'll never see them again - if I just let it go, then it will be over. After the immediate anger passes, I think "Do they have a valid point? Perhaps I shouldn't have pulled this particular maneuver - I'll have to remember that for the future".)

    This one is especially tricky, because my mind immediately clung to the idea that I'm deserving of this position, because I'm so familiar with that relationship analysis from my childhood. When I have noticed that my emotions are the same as the parent I considered at fault, it only leads credibility to the idea that I really am at fault. Even my sadness and pain leads me to feel responsible.

    I think I understand what I'm trying to say... Doubt anyone else would read this 3rd point the same way - LOL

hmm...
that's definitely enough self-evaluation for the moment. It does feel nice to have gotten some understanding of why this is so emotionally distressing for me. It makes sense that much of the pain isn't coming directly from my relationship - but from personality traits that I've had since childhood. Hopefully that allows me to deal with it better, and gives my relationship a much better chance of returning to having a positive effect on my life.

as an aside... I've stopped talking to my ex. She was supportive initially, but in general she tends to be pretty critical; and I don't feel like I need that right now. Plus, it's not fair for me to hurt her by telling her how dedicated I am to my current relationship.

that leaves only my MoM with whom I can chat with about all this stuff... perhaps that's how it's supposed to be. Even though it seems the GF has 10's of people to talk to who support her; but maybe that's just a "grass is greener" type reaction.

2007-08 NBA Finals Prediction

My early prediction is Suns over Boston in the 2008 NBA finals.

Should be another interesting year for the NBA.

I'm curious to see how the Rockets, Hornets, Heat, and Celtics teams come together.
Since the closest team to me is the Lakers - the Kobe drama will also be interesting... I think there's a 50/50 chance of a trade around mid-season - ironically because Kobe's contract is too good! He's got more power over the team than most players - so they may have to trade him before the contract's time value drops too far and they don't get anything in return.

Rihanna ft. Ne-Yo - Hate That I Love You

But I hate it...
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't want to fuss.. and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you
....
I can't stand how much I need you



Source: Slack-time.com - includes full lyrics