I think I've finally ruled out the idea that she wants a ring. Spent last weekend trying to convince her to elope in Vegas. I know it's crazy, but I was actually thinking that eloping could be a positive thing to get us back on the right path. It might convince her to "let me back in" - so that we are experiencing this together as opposed to her having one set of experiences and me having another...
We didn't go to Vegas, but she says it was touching, and she said a couple of things that indicated she might consider a reaffirmation of our relationship - such as a plan to move back in the condo at some point. But somehow, I can tell it still doesn't feel right to her. She thinks I'm saying these things only because I was depressed. Seeing as I have been depressed, and she doesn't believe me that I was already planning to propose before she expressed any doubts, I suppose I can appreciate her position.
Where I stand now is that the strategy of going through the Getting the Love You Want exercises and trying to break down the walls that she has maintained since the beginning of the relationship is a failure. I had a lot of hope for the Getting the Love You Want exercises, but I am now thinking that they are probably much more effective in the situation where the woman wants to continue the relationship and the guy is pulling away. The logical / analytical nature of the book could be effective on guys; but apparently it's not that effective on women. Must seem forced to them... In fact, in general, I think the book would be more effective in the context of a marriage or relationship where both parties assume the relationship will continue. Then the book could help them work through issues and conflicts, so that it goes from being a painful relationship to being a good relationship. However, it seems quite ineffective when the choices are breaking up or staying together.
I've thought a lot about why she would consider ending what appeared to be such a great relationship. Here are the three reasons I came up with from a month and a half ago:
- stress and externally imposed change
- walls and defenses maintained over the course of the relationship
- loss of challenge of winning me over
The only way we could regain a solid relationship again is if we regain a strong attraction for each other. In order for me to be attracted to her in the same way (and not in a deperate/pathetic way) - I need to let go of the hurt, pain, and sense of betrayal.
I don't know what she needs exactly... She has said she needs time to figure herself out. That makes some sense. I need to allow her this time.
In the meantime, I can focus on myself. I need to eliminate my depression and get optimistic about life again. Much easier said than done, but I also know that it is possible!
Some of the things I can focus on:
- work (but not too much - 45 hrs/week is plenty)
- update my resume
- side internet businesses
- tough to focus on, but should devote at least a little bit of time to this
- hobbies
- surfing (new)
- snowboarding (soon there will be snow in the mountains)
- basketball
- teaching programming to kids at Wintriss Technical School
- personal trainer at 24 hour fitness?
- yoga classes at UCSD?
- Clean / fix up condo
- New windows
- clean / decorate bedroom
- get a new renter (don't want to get screwed up financially!)
- meet new people
- geeks from sdjug, xpsd, and sdruby
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